By Tim Walsh, M.A., L.P.; DPA, Executive Director of Beauterre
I realize I am treading where angels fear to tread; love and romance are deeply personal, often marked by our unique scars. In my therapy practice, I’ve treated patients whose experiences were so painful they vowed to the universe never to let anyone close again. Others find themselves in a cycle of “failed” relationships, convinced their “chooser” is broken—continually attracted to incompatible partners.
Whether through divorce, separation, or the quiet ache of a lonely marriage, many of us have felt the heart-wrenching sorrow Lady Gaga captured so rawly in the song “I’ll never love again” in A Star is Born.
The Definition of Love
Author Nathaniel Branden defines romantic love as “a passionate spiritual-emotional-sexual attachment… that reflects a high regard for the value of the other’s person.” Under this definition, “True Love” and “Romantic Love” aren’t opposites. In fact, surveys show roughly 90% of us believe romance is vital for a long-term bond.
But we must distinguish between healthy romance and the “myths” we consume. Psychologist Jordan Peterson argues that myths contain “metatruths” about human nature, while Thomas Moore suggests they are the “fantasies that animate all life.” However, when these fantasies become the blueprint for our reality, they become dangerous.
The Danger of the Myth
Psychiatrist M. Scott Peck offered a stinging critique of our cultural obsession with unachievable romantic ideals: “I weep in my heart almost daily for the ghastly confusion and suffering that this myth fosters. Millions of people waste vast amounts of energy desperately and futilely attempting to make the reality of their lives conform to the unreality of the myth.
”This futile search is what C.S. Lewis called Sehnsucht—a deep, inconsolable longing for an ideal that cannot be satisfied in this lifetime. When we look to a spouse to fulfill our entire identity and worth, we ask them to do something no human was designed to do. No person can be another’s “all in all.”
Escapism vs. Reality
Our culture feeds this Sehnsucht. Disney films and Hallmark movies highlight the “enchanted” infatuation phase but roll the credits before the hard work of a mature relationship begins. The romance novel industry—now a $1.4 billion juggernaut—swaps real-life partners for vampires, billionaires, and ghosts. As Dr. William Struthers aptly notes, “Romance is escapist fantasy… it is the absence of reality.”
The Case for Psychological Realism
I speak not just as a psychologist, but as someone who has been married for 40 years. The research and the wisdom of the ages both point to one thing: what love requires is psychological realism.
To sustain a long-term, healthy relationship, we have to let go of several cultural lies:
- There is no “One and Only”: There are many people with whom you could build a life. Compatibility is not found; it is built through shared values and negotiated needs.
- Love is not “All You Need”: You can live a joyful, purposeful life without being married. Love is “the greatest,” but it is not a substitute for individual purpose.
- Passion Ebbs and Flows: Commitment is the constant that carries you through the inevitable interpersonal conflicts and “dry” seasons. Expectations that love must be or should always or mostly be epic, passionate, ecstatic, and erotic are bound to disappoint.
- Love must be unconditional: None of the wisdom cited is to suggest that love relationships should never end. Half of marriage dissolutions are due to seriously harmful patterns of behaviors by one or both spouses. However, the other half of reasons for divorce suggest problems that perhaps could have been addressed earlier to restore the relationship.
- The “Everything” Trap: Your partner cannot be your lover, best friend, therapist, and playmate all at once.
The Secret to Lasting Love
One of the hallmarks of a lasting love relationship is, ironically, lowered expectations. This doesn’t mean settling for mistreatment; it means accepting the human limitations of your partner and letting go of the “unrealistic ideal.”
There are many other not-so-romantic ingredients to resilient relationships. They practice what psychologists call “positive distortion.” It’s the ability to assume the best, see the best, and believe the best in your spouse—even when they stumble. As the old joke goes: “Love is not blind, but it is visually impaired.”
Real love isn’t a fairy tale or a Hollywood script. It is a shared life story—one that requires us to keep our dignity while choosing, every day, to stay in the room.
