Tim Walsh, M.A.L.P. DPA, Executive Director of Beauterre
Most of us will experience trauma at some point. We all face periods of overwhelming stress and must adapt to seismic shifts in our world. As the Japanese and Biblical proverb suggests, we “fall down seven times and rise up eight.” Yet, I frequently wonder if we give ourselves enough credit for this endurance—for the “true grit” and resourcefulness we display over a lifetime.
The critical question is: What differentiates those who merely survive from those who eventually thrive? Research into Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) shows that early exposure to abuse, neglect, or violence increases the probability of mental health struggles and relational difficulties later in life. While many who face trauma do not develop a subsequent disorder, the weight of “stacked” traumas can be heavy. However, there is a third path: “post-traumatic growth.” Many people find that their deepest suffering eventually results in profound character development.
I have often pondered Friedrich Nietzsche’s famous maxim, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger,” partly because of the irony of his own life—he suffered a mental collapse just months after writing it. While the medical reasons for his decline are debated, a psychological warning may lie in another of his famous quotes: “He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.” Nietzsche lived in isolation; he deliberately increased the stressors in his life to develop “greatness” and strained to find strength by staring into the darkest depths of human nature. He is acclaimed as a genius but pushed beyond the faint boundary into madness.
Resilience is not a fixed trait we are born with; it is an interplay of varied factors. If that is true, the question becomes: how do we best endure and overcome?
One answer lies in our “explanatory style,” a concept pioneered by Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology. Seligman found that if we view hardships as personal (something is wrong with me), pervasive (this always happens to me), or permanent (this will never change), we are less likely to cope well. This is also the thinking style that feeds anxiety and depression. To build resilience, we must shift our perspective. We should practice viewing suffering as often external, as the exception rather than the rule, and as something ephemeral rather than everlasting.
We can also bolster our “protective factors.” By maintaining cognitive flexibility, we can replace negative thoughts with meaningful reappraisals—viewing suffering as a forge for character and hope. We can practice “behavioral activation,” leaning into our stressors to actively problem-solve rather than retreating in anxiety. Finally, we can utilize proven tools to lower the physiological toxicity of stress: mindful breathing, exercise, prayer, meditation, and connecting with nature and loved ones.
The philosopher Søren Kierkegaard famously noted that while life must be lived forward, it can only truly be understood backward. Depending on your age, the retrospective view of your life is likely set against a backdrop of staggering historical upheaval. Over the last seventy years, we have navigated the darkness of the Cold War, other wars and global pandemics; weathered the gut-punch of economic recessions, and adapted to the dizzying speed of technological and cultural shifts. We have witnessed the very structures of marriage and family transform in real-time. Within all of that, your life is unique and will never be replicated. No one has had your thoughts, feelings and experiences. It is your life, your story.
Getting through these turbulent times is a feat in itself, but you have likely done more than just survive. There is a profound difference between merely existing and the active, grit-fueled process of “keeping on” and “bouncing back”. You haven’t just risen up and dusted yourself off; you have integrated your scars into your identity. You have embodied the defiant wisdom of Winston Churchill: “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” In doing so, you have a testimony of a refusal to be broken.
As you look back on your own journey, I encourage you to appreciate the adversity you have already survived and the sorrows you have endured. You have come a long way. Consider the stressors that felt overwhelming but did not break you. In that reflection, you may find that you haven’t just recovered—you have evolved.
As Confucius said, “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
