Tim Walsh, M.A.L.P. DPA, Executive Director of Beauterre, shares practical insights in his latest guest column for the Southern Minnesota Peoples Press.
We are often hardest on ourselves. We are our own toughest critic. But what if there was another way? What if, instead of turning inward with harsh judgment, we could offer ourselves the same understanding and care we readily give to others? This is the moment-by-moment practice of self-compassion.
We need to give ourselves a break. I have often joked that adulthood consists of working, homework, relational work, housework, working out, volunteer work, and inner work on self. That’s a whole lot of work! Consequently, we inevitably stumble, fall short of our expectations, or miss the mark on what we perceive as the standards of others. In these moments, we may experience the enduring echoes and imprints left by significant people in our lives shaping our beliefs, emotions and behaviors or the habits of thought we have repeated over and over. These internalized voices are often unconscious, but they profoundly influence our perception of ourselves, others and the world. The good news is that we have the power to choose the inner voice we amplify.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading expert on self-compassion (source: https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-test/), highlights the stark contrast between this gentle practice and the severe and critical internal dialogue many of us experience. Her self-assessment tool offers numerous examples of this harmful self-talk. For instance, forgiving ourselves after a perceived mistake can feel incredibly difficult. When grappling with our flaws, failures, or general hardship, we often become our most accusatory judge, struggling to extend self-love. We might feel isolated in our challenges, believing we’re the only ones who suffer. When feeling down, our minds can fixate on what’s wrong, magnifying difficulties. Our natural tendency to compare ourselves to others can further fuel the belief that everyone else has an easier or happier existence. The list of self-critical thoughts goes on.
Compassion, at its core, is a form of love that involves empathizing with the suffering of others and acting with care and understanding to ease their pain. Building upon this understanding, self-compassion is the practice of treating ourselves with that same kindness, care, and understanding, particularly during moments of difficulty, failure, or perceived inadequacy. For many, myself included at times, extending this same kindness inward can feel like a radical concept.
The good news is that this pattern of self-criticism doesn’t have to be our default mode. The research literature demonstrates a strong link between self-compassion and significant improvements in mental and physical well-being, including increased motivation, enhanced emotional regulation, greater resilience, and a stronger sense of optimism and life satisfaction. Furthermore, self-compassion fosters greater empathy and understanding towards others, strengthening our relationships and leading to more fulfilling connections.
So, how do we nurture this inner kindness? We can all practice relatively simple skills that reinforce and build upon one another:
- Self-Kindness: This involves treating ourselves with the same warmth and understanding we would offer a cherished friend in distress. It means replacing harsh self-criticism with gentle encouragement and acceptance. One effective practice is to recall someone who adores you, remembering their affectionate nicknames and affirming words. We can then use this compassionate voice as our inner dialogue to counter the “inner critic” with nurturing validations.
- Non-judgmental Mindset: This involves observing and acknowledging our thoughts, feelings, and experiences without labeling them as good or bad, right or wrong. It’s about accepting the present moment without imposing personal opinions or biases.
- Radical Acceptance: Simply put, radical acceptance means acknowledging reality as it is, accepting others as they are, and embracing ourselves fully, imperfections and all. We recognize that no person is perfect and that all people experience suffering.
- Mindfulness: This involves being present with our thoughts and feelings without judgment, observing our experiences with acceptance. This allows us to gain greater self-awareness without being overwhelmed by negativity. The pause for reflection allows for freedom in our response.
Cultivating self-compassion is not about excusing our shortcomings or becoming complacent. It’s about acknowledging our imperfections with kindness, learning from our mistakes without self-inflicted emotional pain, and understanding that we are inherently worthy of care and understanding, just like everyone else.
We can all consciously choose to turn that lens of compassion inward. Let’s speak to ourselves with the same gentle voice we would use with someone we deeply care for. Let’s remember that we are all imperfect, all striving, and all deserving of kindness, especially from ourselves. This simple practice has the power to transform not only our inner world but also the way we engage with the world around us, right here in Owatonna and beyond.
